Questionable

"You're going against everything we stand for!" my friend shouted at me over Instant Messenger.

"I know, I know, but it's with work so I have to go. Besides, who doesn't want to see a movie in the middle of the work day?" I pleaded back.

"Fine. I assume you know better than to come back and say you liked it." She growled.

For the past 6 to 8 weeks or however long Avatar has been out, my NYC friend and I have been on an anti-Avatar campaign. We both had negative interest in seeing humans fight blue cartoon animal thingys in the forest for 3 hours... or really at all. I am a sucker for a 3D movie, but no way jose was I going to spend $15 on "when reality meets fantasy" world.

Then out of no where my boss sends me a meeting request for our entire team to get out one afternoon and see Avatar in 3D. Immediately, I started laughing and thinking "How will I get through this movie?" Regardless of my status as Co-Presidente of Anti-Avatar, I had to go. It was for work after all and it took 3 hours out of my miserable Monday. So I loaded up my purse with a box of Hot Tamales and joined the group.

And here's where it gets embarrassing for me:

I liked it. A lot. Not "I'll go see it again and again" a lot. But sheepishly, I will admit it was worth the $15. And the extra $10 I paid for popcorn and a bottled water. The special effects are insane!

And here is where it gets embarrassing for James Cameron, the director:

About 1.5 hours in to the world of Pandora and flying dragon-dinosaurs, it hit me - hard. And I sat there with my jaw open, as I realized...

"Oh. My Gosh. This is the 2010, ridiculously high budgeted version of the old cartoon movie Fern Gully!!!"

I couldn't believe how similar the two movies were and how if I was the director of Fern Gully, I'd be seeking major major compensation.

Don't remember the blockbuster Fern Gully? Allow me to remind you, it's an old favorite.

Fern Gully is a cartoon movie whose underlying theme is to protect our natural resources, particularly our rain forests, from corporate destruction. The main character in the movie is a male human who turns into a fairy to understand the rain forest. While there he falls in love with a native fairy and he learns to "listen" to the earth. He speaks it's language. There is even a scene where they run through the rain forest and all the plants light up. In the end of the movie, the human decides he is more fairy than human and tries to stop the bulldozers from ruining the forest.

James Cameron's Avatar added military, mass destruction and his natives are blue-stripped animal/humans of some sort. Besides those items and the millions of dollars put into the special effects, the movie is eerily similar to the 1992 cartoon. If you've seen Avatar, then you know.


I'd watch your back if I were you, JC. Someone may try to steal your future Oscar.

PS. Remember Siskel and Ebert giving movies two thumbs up? It's now Schneider and Ebert giving movies the stank eye.

Love, Cakie

To the Couple in the Photo Above,
Thank you for today. Thank you for every February 3rd since 1982. Mom, thank you for having the guts to ask out Dad all those years ago at Florida Southern College. Dad, thank you for giving up your nearly-pro tennis career to settle down with Mom. For all the sleepless nights in the early years (and maybe some of the later), the swimming lessons, the strawberry cupcakes at park birthday parties, the dances on your feet in the kitchen, the drip-drop sandcastles and the t-ball games - I am completely grateful. When I cried at Girl Scout camp and over math equations (still do), you were always there to let me know that I would be "just fine" and that I did, in fact, need a math tutor. No matter the season or the sport, I could always count on you to be in the stands cheering me on or in Dad's case - coaching from the sidelines, and I loved every minute of it. Thank you for the trips to Ocean City, delicious and extremely hilarious family meals, notes in my lunchbox and sending me to Kansas University. I may never know everything you've sacrificed to give me the beautiful life I've had so far, but I am indebted for all you have done. Thank you for giving me courage, grace, a crazy sense of humor and teaching me how to stand on my own two feet.

Ya done good kids.

Love always,
Cakie

NOW We're Talkin!

Nashville got 4 to 5 inches of snow on Friday!

Enjoy the few pics from around my neighborhood...
I gotta go warm up my toes!

A Haunting

I did something in my past.

Back then, I thought it was a good idea.

It was a once in a life time opportunity.

Strings were pulled so I could do it.

Money was spent. Lots of it.

Too much dough.

Too much cheddar.

Too many benjamins.

But I wanted it.

Badly.

So I hoped on a plane to New York City.

And I did it.

I posed for a magazine.

It's every girls dream!

I had two professional hair stylist turning my pin straight limp hair into thick sexy locks. A professional make-up artist evened out my skin tone and brightened my eyes. The fashion editor picked out something special for me to wear.

My turn in front of the camera came. And it was more than I could imagine. I stood in 4 inch heels looking out of the floor to ceiling windows as hip-hop music blared in the background and the photographer played with the lighting.

Then the camera clicked and popped and lights flashed!

I felt like Sarah Jessica Parker in the Sex in the City movie,
even though that movie wasn't even out yet.

The photo shoot was for Marie Claire's 101 Readers in 101 Dresses.
So while I was given the royal treatment,
all they really cared about was how the canary yellow dress looked.
But I pretended it was about me.
Naturally.

A few weeks after my modeling debut, I received a letter from the fashion editor stating that I would, in-fact, be in the magazine coming out in the summer.

I bought a subscription to Marie Claire right then and there.

June Issue.
No Ashley.

July Issue.
No Ashley.

August Issue.
Nope.

I wasn't even online.

I got canned.

3 years have gone by since I almost had my 15 minutes of fame.

Picture long forgotten.

Until...

I decide to Google Image search the terms
"Medium Length Razor Cut"
for my upcoming salon appointment.

And image #3 on Google was this.


MORTIFYING.

What the Hell is that picture doing in Google?!?

I had never seen one single shot from that photo shoot.

Ever.

And here I am starring face to my own face, stating out-loud:

1. My hair is a lion's mane
2. I look a good 15lbs heavier than I do in real life.
3. Was I actually 15lbs heavier then?
4. Look at that monstrous bag under my left eye.
5. Completely awkward smile.
6. Wait! Why is this zoomed in on my face? They were supposed to be shooting the dress!

Apparently the editors at Marie Claire recycled old pictures and put this one up under a new column for "Perfect Medium Hair".

Perfect = Lion's Mane

In the 2 months since I found myself on Google, I was notified on Facebook twice that two other people had randomly seen me on MSN and another website.

I am haunted by this image.

It comes to me in my sleep.

Please close your computer immediately.

And So I Went

My employer gave me Monday off
and
Mother Nature decided the weather for Tennessee should be sunny and 62.
I said "Mother Nature, I like ya style."

With a little inspiration, I decide to embark on my first solo day trip.

Destination:
Chattanooga

Less than an hour into the drive with a thermos of hot coffee, I felt empowered.
"I can totally explore by myself!"
"I can find my way around this city! If I can manage Barcelona, I can do Chattanooga!"
"I am awesome!"
"Look at me go!"

And right as I am smiling to myself and listening to some great music,
I notice that I am getting passed.
By a white mini van.
Driven by somebody's grandpa.

My eyes get wide as saucers and I look at my speedometer to check my speed.
The little hand was pointing at 76.
Grandpa was booking it to pass me!!
And just as he slides the mini van in front of me, I notice...

His handicap license plate.

I just got passed by a handicapped grandpa in a white mini van.
*sigh*

After grandpa took me down a notch or two,
I arrived to Chattanooga!
Gorgeous!

My first stop was the Hunter Museum of Art.


They had a special exhibit on the Kennedy's but I wasn't allowed to take pictures.

I did, however, get a shot of this original Andy Warhol.
It's of Rosalynn Carter.
Pretty jazzy!

After educating myself in the finer things,
I headed to Chattanooga's North Shore.
Hip and Historical.
(I stole that from their logo, but it remains true, it's on the logo for a reason after all.)

They have cool places like Clumpies Ice Cream Co.
Although normally, if someone offered me clumpy ice cream
I'd probably make a face and politely decline.
But in 'Nooga, Clumpie Ice Cream is perfectly acceptable.

There are also restaurants named after things you throw at your friends.
Or should I have said enemies?
No, No, friends is right.

After supporting Chattanooga's local businesses it was time to hop back on I-24 and head home.

Just as I walked back into my apartment from my super daring adventure,
I called my parents to let them know what I had done that day.

My Dad's response:
"Oh great, next time you call you'll be saying 'Hi Dad! I am in Guam...alone'"

He may be right.
Because let's face it.

The next natural step in solo vacationing is Guam.

Southern Snow!

For almost a week my dear weatherman on News 2 kept saying:

"Thursday we will have snow! 2-4 inches!"

My Dad called me Tuesday and said:

"I hope you have bread and eggs to be ready for the snow."

An employee in my HR department sent out an email that said:

"From a Yankee to you Southerns,
Why, when it snows, does everyone make breakfast?
You can't find milk, eggs or bread anywhere!
I say make chili!"

With all this snow talk,
I couldn't help but dream of layers and layers of the white stuff
falling over Nashville.

I was ready to make snow angels and practiced on my living room floor.

I was ready to round up my friends for a snowball fight.
This was the mean face I was planning on using to intimidate the enemy.
Scary! Frightening!

However, when I woke up this morning it seemed that my snow loving heart was broken.
Flurries? Yes
Snow accumulation? No

Below are the best snow shots I could get today from my balcony.

See that white stuff on the top of the parking garage. Yep, there it is snow.

This is the street right under my building.
Can you believe the cars are driving in those conditions?!

I should run down there and tell them it's not safe.

Oh wait.
We got less than an inch.
Don't let that picture fool you.

Can't we just get a good Kansas snow once?
I miss those Winter days!

Holly Jolly Christmas

Friend: "How was your Christmas, Ashley?"

Me: "Hilarious. Things can get real weird, you know how we are."

And because my family's Christmas recap shouldn't be reserved for those who dare to call to get the whole story. I've outlined our Christmas through the following snapshots.

Welcome to a Schneider Family Christmas!

One of a kind wrapping paper.
Styrofoam gives it the perfect "real snow" look.
Santa 2009 only needs 1.5 reindeer to pull his sleigh.

My mother told one of her children that they look a lot like Susan Boyle.
I like to keep you guessing, so I am not going to give away the answer.
But I will say "I completely agree, Mom."

Every year my brother hides one of the wise men multiple times during the holidays.
Here he is in one location where we found him creep'n.
Dangling from our kitchen light fixture.


"Hair accessories are so hot right now. "

"It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone"
Upon hearing these lyrics a member of my family yelled,
"TOM JONES IS THE MAN!"
Then spontaneously made their shirt into a deep v-neck.
Said shirt was never, ever meant to be a deep v-neck.



While all those moments made Christmas hilarious,
what truly made it memorable was this little butter bean...

Ellie!
It was my niece's first Christmas and incidentally her first trip to the beach!

Don't worry,
we explained to her that it really isn't normal for Santa to only have 1.5 reindeer.
Some families just bring out the weird at Christmas.

And she was totally cool with that.